Anne (netmouse) wrote,

self image meets actual image


Yesterday I got the pictures back from our trip to Spain. Some of them are blurry, some of them turned out well. The one I really loved my own mental picture of, with Arifa and Sarah on the beach with the white waves just beyond them, turned out to be from farther away from them than I remembered. But the main thing I noticed in the pictures that included me was how fat I am.

We went to the gym Thursday and the digital scale told me 180 lbs. With me naked, our scale, which has always been 7 lbs below the doctor's scale, tells me 71 lbs. I thought I'd lost a few lbs in the middle of the Spain trip when I was sick and had no appetite but it appears that on the whole I have gained at least five pounds since three months ago. It shows in the pictures. It shows in the thickness around my waist and the extra flesh on my face and the way there's a fold under my chin sometimes if I tuck my head a little and smile.

There's this one picture at the entrance to park guell where Sarah and I posed in front of the famous Gaudi lizard and I remember how I felt, I felt great, and attractive and everything, and in the picture I do look happy, that's true. But I don't look like my self image of how I looked and I don't like for my self image to have been different from my real image, it feels like denial.

Near the end of the trip I was starting to notice again my weight... Sarah and I went to the beach and laid out topless and at one point I sat up to put sunscreen on her back and when she turned around she told me the way my roll hid my bikini bottom it looked like I didn't have anything on. She meant the roll of flesh at my belly.

I don't like feeling fat. It makes me uncomfortable in my clothes, makes me intollerant of Bill touching my belly, and it makes me feel like I'm not taking care of myself.

So I thought I would post three resolutions here, to start with.

  1. I will eat only a small bowl of cereal for breakfast, and with not too much dried fruit (raisins - doctor's orders, actually, they are like candy to my hypoglycemia) and I will have a planned snack in the middle of the morning, around 9 or 10.
  2. I will only read one comic per day and spend the 15 minutes thus saved taking a brisk walk in the morning.
  3. I will support Bill's request that we have celery and carrot sticks available in the fridge all the time.
  4. I will try to re-instate a dietary rule we used back in Waterloo, which was that we eat at least one type of vegetable at every meal (lunch and dinner).

Okay, so that was four rules. And in two weeks I start playing soccer, and that should help a lot with my metabolism and everything. But I think I will have a goal of losing roughly 5 pounds per month from now 'till september. Then I'll have to figure out how to keep it off through the winter. I've been enjoying practicing basketball skills at the gym. Maybe in the winter I can join in some of those games.

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